Blog contribution by Storywell Counseling
Perhaps you are struggling to conceive, facing complex medical issues and treatments, or have experienced pregnancy or infant losses. Or maybe you experienced infertility or loss in the past but still find yourself grieving the impact on your life. You may have children in your home that you are grateful for, but that does not take your pain away. Regardless of your specific circumstances, I am sorry if you are among the 1 in 5 couples who at some point have struggled to conceive or reach a full-term pregnancy.
The heartache of infertility or losing a baby can be indescribable. It is often hidden from others and suffered in silence. Losing a baby or grieving the absence of a baby hoped for cuts to the core of the hopes and dreams of countless women. These tragic circumstances frequently come with experiences of devastation, uncertainty, anxiety, longing, desperation, anger, jealousy, and feelings of failure or inadequacy as a woman. The emotional weight of this reproductive grief can make it difficult to carry out daily responsibilities, let alone tend to the extraordinary medical, financial, and relationship strains that can come with it.
Although reproductive grief can be difficult and changes you, there is hope for coping with it effectively and restoring strength and peace in your life. Although each mom’s experience of infertility and/or loss is unique, there are common principles of how to navigate this grief in a healthy way. As a therapist specializing in infertility and pregnancy/infant loss who has also personally gone through infertility and pregnancy loss, I often get asked how to cope with this specific type of grief. I am happy to share some of my recommendations with you. Below are 4 tips that I invite you to consider as you navigate your own experience of infertility or loss.
Develop an Emotion Regulation Toolkit
My first tip is to have several pre-selected tools to help you regulate your emotions when you feel overwhelmed. Some potential coping skills to consider include:
•Deep breathing or focusing on your breathing
•Imagining a calm, comforting place in great detail (for me, it’s a beach!)
•Listening to music and humming along
•Going on a walk while paying attention to your physical senses
•Taking a warm bath
•Engaging in a hobby that is enjoyable and distracting
Select several options to practice often and see if they work for you. Write them down or commit them to memory in your mental coping skills “toolbox.” When using your selected skills, make sure you are focusing on the activity when doing it and not thinking about your worries and concerns; otherwise, you might undermine your efforts to experience temporary emotional respite. Also, make sure to repeatedly practice your chosen tools – they will likely get more effective the more you use them.
Make “Appointments” with Your Grief
My next tip, once you believe that you have the tools you need to help you regulate your emotions, is to make “appointments” with your grief (or any big feelings you experience). This is one of the most important coping strategies I can offer you. The idea is to make intentional time to feel and express the emotions related to your infertility/loss, while also allowing yourself to feel and express them when they arise naturally.
Grieving is a natural human process meant to heal a broken heart; it helps us heal emotionally and adjust to the reality of the loss of how things are and could have been. Suppressing or avoiding our feelings interferes with that natural process and can cause other unintended mental, emotional, interpersonal, and physical issues.
There are many ways you might make an appointment with your grief:
•Share your struggles and feelings with a loved one or with your counselor
•Write out what you’re feeling and struggling with in a journal or blog post
•Talk to God about it in prayer
•Express your emotions in dance, art, music, etc.
•Let yourself cry when tears come, let yourself feel angry when your situation feels unjust, notice the heaviness in your chest or other physical sensations
Make sure that you engage your emotions when you have the time and space to do so and when you believe you have the mental bandwidth and coping skills to handle the short-term distress that comes from engaging them.
Take Breaks and Engage in the Present
As a complement to my previous tip, give yourself permission to take breaks from thinking about infertility/loss and your heavy emotions. Instead, focus on things in the present moment. The grief of infertility or losing a baby can be heavy and exhausting, especially after months or years. Take breaks as needed for your wellness.
Stream that TV show you’ve been meaning to watch, get dinner with a friend, or spend time with your pet. Find respite to help you continue to navigate grief and engage your emotions another time.
It’s also good to regularly return to the present moment and give yourself permission to live and appreciate other aspects of your life that may be meaningful to you:
•Your relationship
•Spending time with your friends and family members
•Decorating your home
•Investing in your career
•Volunteering
With these last two tips, making appointments with your grief and taking breaks from your grief, the goal is to find balance between the two strategies by oscillating between the two approaches over time. This balanced approach tends to lead to healthy coping with grief and the best outcomes for your wellness.
Lean into Supportive Relationships
My final tip is to lean into relationships that are sensitive, attentive, and responsive. It’s important to combat the sense of isolation that comes with experiencing infertility or the loss of a baby, especially given that receiving social support is shown to improve mental health outcomes.
Although some people may avoid talking about infertility and pregnancy loss, ghost you, or say hurtful and unhelpful things, there might be others who are more supportive than you expect. Increase your focus on the relationships that help you feel validated and seen in your suffering.
If you’re struggling to find such people in your life, seek online peer support, support groups in your area, or counseling if you believe you could benefit from professional listening and guidance.
If you’re currently in a relationship impacted by infertility or loss, reprioritize date nights and activities you like to do together. Discuss what you both need to feel loved right now and work to intentionally do more of that thing for your partner.
If you both feel up to talking about it, consider periodic check-ins, quick temperature checks that provide an opportunity to share how each of you are doing, how infertility or loss is impacting you right now, and what support you need.
If you feel over your head with your relationship’s challenges, consider marriage support resources, a marriage intensive weekend, or couple’s counseling. Infertility and loss can greatly strain a relationship; but with intentional efforts, that relationship can also be one of the greatest sources of support and comfort in your life.
Concluding Thoughts
I hope that you find these tips beneficial to you as you navigate your own unique experience of infertility or the loss of a baby. I am truly sorry that you are facing the heartbreak of reproductive grief; but know that you are not alone.
I hope that you receive abundant comfort and support along the way, and know that I have hope that you have it in you to not only cope and get by, but also rediscover hope, joy, purpose, and peace in your life.
If you or someone you know could benefit from professional support, check out our therapists at Storywell Counseling. We specialize in infertility/reproductive loss, pregnancy & postpartum support, relationship support, anxiety, trauma/PTSD (including birth trauma), and EMDR therapy. We provide in-person appointments in Westerville, OH and telehealth to all of Ohio.
Visit www.storywellcounseling.com to learn more about our services, read our therapists’ bios, and schedule an appointment to find the support you need in your healing journey.
Edward Luersman, LPCC
Edward Luersman, LPCC is a therapist at Storywell Counseling in Westerville, OH. He specializes in grief & loss counseling, infertility & reproductive loss therapy, couples counseling, and faith-based therapy. Edward brings warmth, compassion, and evidence-based expertise to help clients navigate life’s most challenging moments.
P.S. This information is for educational purposes only and not direct professional medical or psychological advice.
